Where am I?

Oh, yes. On the train again.

How many stops?

Let me see.

Jesmond next, then…

Look at this fellow, almost stuck in the doors! Why do people leave it so late? Surely it’s easy to plan ahead, look at the timetable. Where’s my paper? He’s staring at me. So is that young woman. Why is she wearing a school uniform? She has legs and breasts and hair and makeup.

I wish the words would stay still. Where’s my pen? Here it is.

Feline, three letters.

Where am I?

Oh, yes on the train again.

Jesmond. This isn’t Jesmond. Where’s the stationmaster’s house? Are we in a tunnel? How many stops?

Let me see.

Jesmond.

West Jesmond.

South Gosforth.

Longbenton.

Benton.

Did I leave the oven on? Will Mary notice?

He’s still staring. Concentrate man, three letters, feline. Try another.

Of the sea. Six letters.

I need the toilet. Damn this prostate. There was a time I could do this journey twice a day without needing to pee.

Why is he wearing a tracksuit? Has he been running? He looks a bit overweight to be an athlete. Everyone is different these days. Nobody makes the effort any more. Am I the only one wearing a tie? The boss would kill me if I turned up looking like him.

Mary’s dead. The doctor told me. I trust him.

Where am I?

Oh, yes. On the train again.

How many stops?

Let me see.

West Jesmond. Is there a toilet there?

She passed away peacefully, Bill. That’s what the doctor said. I trust him. Who’s going to turn the oven off?

Mobile phones. Everybody has one. Tracy said I should get one. So we can keep in touch, Grandad. Keep in touch? When was the last time anyone kept in touch? The funeral, yes you have to die before they keep in touch. 

Ilford Road? Where’s that? Am I on the wrong train? Concentrate man!

Of the sea. Six letters.

I forgot the ham from Fenwick’s. Mary’s going to go mad. She’ll only eat Fenwick’s ham. None of that Marksie’s rubbish. Anyway, it’s too late now. We’ll open a tin of salmon. She’ll be alright when I turn on the old Bill charm.

I miss her so much!

Where am I?

Oh, yes. On the train again.

How many stops?

Let me see.

South Gosforth.

Longbenton.

Benton.

Did I lock the door?

Try another one.

Spouse’s sister. Six, two and three.

Jackie. She cried a lot. Why? She hated Mary. I don’t even know why she turned up at the funeral. Guilt, I suppose. Hypocrite. I should really write something. He’s still staring. He knows. I just want to get off.

Where am I?

Oh, yes. On the train again.

How many stops?

Let me see.

Longbenton. This looks familiar. Next stop Benton. Home.

Did I put the heating on? Mary will be freezing. She can’t use the thermostat. A proper technophobe.

Where’s this? Four Lane Ends? Yes! My stop!

CAT! Too late Bill. Just get off and wait for them all to go. Go on, step on. It won’t bite. One, two, three. We’re on! Up we go.

Cat, yes. That’s it. Feline, three letters. You’ve still got it Bill.

Mary! I’m home.

Mary?