My Aunty Joan was one of nine which included my Mam. She was the only one that didn’t get married, apparently she had lots wrong with her but nobody talked about it so I didn’t know what. Just like when Nana died and we weren’t  allowed to watch telly when there were coffins on.

It was strange because they said when my aunty was young, she was so poorly that the doctor said, “take all of her teeth out!” She was the youngest person I had ever seen with all false teeth. Apparently, they did that in those days.

When Nana died, the day after my birthday, Auntie Joan came to stay and my big brother John had to move out of his room and in with me and my little brother Tony.

John had the little bedroom in the house, above the front door which was now occupied by Auntie Joan or AJ, to give her her  Sunday name, with all the stuff she used to buy from C and A and British Home Stores but never wore.

She never worked but she had  a book with tickets in it.  Every week, she’d tear one out and exchange it for money at the Post Office. It was like magic money! Later it became a brightly coloured cheque called a Giro.

My parents were very poor because they had to work for their money, so we didn’t have any treats.

One Saturday, I sneaked into AJ’s bedroom when they had gone to town. I found a pile of heavy old records by a fella called Frankie Laine, as well as her million carrier bags, and a purse which was full of big blue five-pound notes.

There must have been a hundred there man! So I peeled one off and put the elastic band back around. When I met up with my mates, as usual at the top of the green, I showed them the fiver, they couldn’t believe it. In fact Titch said he had never seen one before, just the green pound notes.

We got the bus to Newcastle and when I showed the conductor the fiver he told us he had no change and to sit down and shut up. It was like that movie about the man with the million pound note who didn’t pay for anything! Gregory Peck was in it, I remember…Anyway.

We went upstairs in the lift at Fenwick’s. The floor walker was a bastard and followed us around thinking we were going to nick stuff. Then I flashed my magic fiver and he was a different bloke! I bought two Action Men with three different outfits and a Subuteo goalkeeper even though I didn’t own a Subuteo set.

We came home and played with the action man on the green and I gave my friends something each to keep.

Titch went home with the Subbuteo goalkeeper and Rise took a fully kitted out German Stormtrooper action man. The next day Mam called me in and said that Titch’s Mam had asked him where he got that subbuteo goalkeeper from.

 He’d split on me man! I had to tell Mam I took the fiver out of Aunty Joan’s purse. She wasn’t really cross, she looked more shocked. I didn’t understand at the time but I do now.

Mam and Dad hardly ever hit us but Mam slapped our legs a couple of times. She always said afterwards, 

“If your dad hits you, you’ll know about it!” and that was a big enough deterrent for us. 

I remember a day she got really angry was when a rag-and-bone man came into the street with his horse and cart. He used to give you balloons or if you had a load of gear, a goldfish in a plastic bag. One day I heard his familiar sound, (there were three different rag-and-bone men and they had different shouts, just like the gadgies who sold the ‘Chronicle in town). This one shouted, “Yahoon.”

I knew he was the best one because he had the goldfish. I rushed around the house trying to find something and at the last minute I went into Mam’s drawer and pulled out a red jumper that she’d never worn. I rushed outside and gave it to the Raggy.

“Balloons or goldfish.” He seemed very pleased. Normally, he just gave me balloons for some old socks or underpants that nobody would wear.

“Goldfish please sir,” I replied, and he handed me a triangular shaped plastic bag. In about four square inches of water, this small creature with bulbous eyes and shiny golden scales swam in tiny circles.

I was rumbled when I took it in the house. I took a jar of jam out of the pantry, which was half empty. I scraped the contents into the bin, and was washing the jar when my Mam came in and saw the plastic bag and the empty jar.

Oh my God, she was furious! I didn’t know what was worse, a goldfish or scraping half a jar of jam in the bin which would have lasted about a month, when thinly spread on toast.

It was the only time she whacked me on the side of the head and my ears rang like Santa’s sleigh at Christmas! 

Eventually, when I could speak, I told her about the jumper and she ran outside chasing the rag-and-bone man waving my poor goldfish in front of her. She got her jumper back and that goldfish had the ride of its life!